The recent tragic school shootings lead us to one unequivocal conclusion: children are enemy combatants. They must be treated as such. In order to prevent such events in the future we have to get tough. I propose the following changes to our current educational discipline system in order to prevent these tragic events in the future.
Detentions should be frequently given to children, but under no circumstances must they be told why they are being punished or for how long the detention will last. They must simply be shipped off to the detention room. Once there, they must be rigorously debriefed about what they know. To help jog their memories a variety of methodologies should be employed: water boarding, exposure to extreme temperatures, deep humiliation revolving around ingrained social taboos and basic human rights, use of dogs, electrocution, ritualized beatings, and threats to their family have all routinely proven themselves to produce results.
Children in primary school are particularly susceptible to such debriefing techniques. It is only through catching them early that we can protect our children. We do not want the smoking gun to be a smoking gun. A word of warning though, children of this tender age often find crude bodily functions humorous. It is therefore advised that they not be debriefed for such a long period of time that they are allowed to urinate or defecate on themselves: it is of utmost important that they not have fun.
It is also important to setup a system within schools that systematically targets trouble makers. Statistical analysis is quite accurate in this case. Upper middle class Caucasian males are the most likely to cause trouble. It is only natural that they be the ones most frequently given detentions. This is just common sense. A variety of methods should be used to smoke out these monsters before they become a problem. For example, anyone with a surname involving “Junior” or higher numerical value must be taken from the halls instantly: regardless of prior record.
It is also imperative that children not be allowed out of detention, regardless of innocence. If they are released they will likely chat with friends, as children are prone to do, and will end up talking about what happened in detention. Clever potential school shooting children will then go home and practice water boarding on themselves to help build up a resistance to it: in hopes of later foiling attempts of educators to learn the truth. This, of course, is unacceptable. We do not wish to engage in a detention arms race. Our methodology is civilized to protect civilized children. Our open and free schools are under attack from the most insidious of threats. The threats will use any means available to take all our childrens’ freedoms away. The techniques used to defend the institution of elementary schools must, naturally, be kept in the strictest of secrets.
If a given school’s techniques do not prove effective, a second option is for children to be redistricted to another school. Various “less well known” school districts have been popping up throughout much of the former Soviet states. Any one of these places could provide comprehensive and humane treatment of problematic children in detention.
There may be some resistance from PTAs about adopting these new techniques. Such pre-Columbine thinking is not acceptable and cannot be tolerated. Children have declared war on us. We did not ask for this battle, but it has found us. It is inconceivable that a child could acquire a gun in this day and age, yet they do. The children are out there right now: plotting in tree houses, drawing up plans over tea with their teddy bears, practicing the execution by playing Doom and listening to the rap music. These are troubling times, and each of us must ask ourselves, are you a child coddler? You are either with me or with the children.
Help us return our “One nation under God, with liberty and justice for all.”