An Open Challenge

I offer this open challenge to anyone, anywhere, anytime: I can drink anyone under the table, so long as the beverage being consumed is orange juice. As long as we are drinking straight OJ, I can destroy anyone. I made this challenge and my friend David, in his hubris, accepted it. He talked a tough game, but when the glass touched his lips he went down for the count. Last night was my first drinking contest. I came out strong and downed a glass of pulp free. He did the same, so it was on! We started chugging juice. I beat him every round. David drank 3.5 glasses and tapped out. I drank 5 glasses. The last glass was a mistake.

We drew a crowd of Mike’s sister’s friends. Mike’s sister, Becky challenged me. So I polished off another glass. She beat me in speed, but I wasn’t bringing the heat. I had a belly full of 4 other glasses. The contest was not officially sanctioned, it was an invitational or at best a house show. I am still the champ.

I actually felt really sick after my fifth glass in under two minutes. I went into the bathroom swished some water in my mouth and then buried the hurt so I could continue to taunt David. Just like a real athlete would, only I used my will power to put the hurt away. While a real athlete would have used cocaine. It turns out David’s kryptonite is orange juice. His usual wit was reduced to a dull whimper.

The Rock says, I am the best orange juice drinker there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be, and that’s the bottom line because to be the man, you have to beat the man, have a nice day!

David demands a rematch next year.