So, I had this idea a while back, and everyone I told it to got a kick out of it. Someone later suggested that I formalize it, so I present the following satirical essay.
It seems that God’s no longer in his kingdom, and all’s not right with the world. You can’t turn around anymore without hearing about what disaster God has loosed on the planet this week. In the last few years, the Divine sent hurricanes because of our presence in Iraq, put those that would divide Israel into comas, let planes crash into our buildings because of feminists, destroyed levees because there are too many abortionists, loosed tsunamis to punish the heathens, tossed in a few earthquakes to stick it to liberals, etc. etc. Yes, no matter how you look at it, the Divine is pissed off. And I think it is equally fair to say that the group that God Almighty is most peeved at is penguins.
A few years back there were several news stories that, among certain circles (all of whom are wrong), proved to be hopeful and, among certain other circles (all of whom are right), proved to be very disturbing. The articles were about gay penguins. I don’t mean gay as defined as “happy”; if I did, then all penguins would be, categorically and by definition, “gay”. Just look at them, how could that creature be sad? Certainly all penguins are gay like that, but it now appears that there are penguins that are also gay as defined as; “gay, gay, gay, gay, gaaaaay!”
Many species of penguin are monogamous through a particular breading season, and some species for life. Several zoologists working at both zoos and in the field, have noticed that there are many same sex penguin pairs. They exhibit all the mating rituals that normal god fearing penguin pairs exhibit. These gay penguins are leading a selfish hedonistic lifestyle. Needless to say, God is not happy. As Jesus once said, “Love thy neighbor, unless he is a flaming penguin.” (Romans 8:39)
So God cooked up the avian flu and loosed it on a world of queer penguins. Now that all ills in the universe have officially been deemed the wrath of an angry God, what other explanation can there be? Just look at this intelligently designed scientific proof:
God hates fags.
Some penguins are fags.
Penguins are birds
The bird flu kills birds.
Only God’s unlimited insatiable anger can explain disasters.
The bird flu is a disaster for birds.
Therefore, God sent the bird flu disease to punish gay penguins.
The avian flu is running rough shot through the world’s bird population. But do the lesbian penguins care? No, they just keep on deciding to be gay, and ruining it for all the rest of the birds caught in the crossfire. Just because God created the minutest atom by-hand, doesn’t mean he can just smite gay birds. Other innocent birds will, inevitably, get smote too. Ever since penguins have been actively coming out of the crevasse, they have been flaunting their deviant lifestyle. It is getting so decent penguins can’t even regurgitate semi-digested fish for their young without being exposed to pro-homo-penguin propaganda. Worse still, when penguins must huddle together during the coldest parts of the year to keep from freezing to death, they now have to wonder if they are actually wing-to-wing with a pinko-penguin!
The true penguin’s colors are black, white, and maybe a little yellow or red. No penguin should be “rainbow”. No true penguin wants his or her flock to be “fabulous”. There isn’t a true red blooded penguin alive that doesn’t want all those gay penguins rounded up and shipped off to some remote, inhospitable, isolated part of the world: like Antarctica, or someplace like that. Everyone that doesn’t think that is the solution, is a liberal pagan collaborator, and the Wrath will be upon all of them soon enough.
Just look at cows. God sent bovine spongiform encephalopathy (mad cow disease) to punish cows for supporting the gay penguin lifestyle. Every other species has firmly denounced the sinful penguin’s life choices, except cows. They are notorious penguin huggers, and widely regarded as the most liberal of all animals (except for penguins themselves). Add to it their own deviant behavior (fetish milking), and no wonder they were the first to be on the receiving end of some collateral damage from the hands of an angry God. When are these bovine going to learn? They must side with the naturally intelligently designed order of things, and not with the rouge corruptors of traditional penguin values. As God once told Noah’s communist dog, “You’re either on the boat, or you’re not.” (Corinthians 13:14)