Andrew Magrath (biggrumpy) wrote,
Andrew Magrath

Essay 1: An Essay on Wrist Watches

I have been reading a lot of essays lately so I have crafted one of my own. It has nothing to do with a biblography of my comings and goings in Japan, so you don't go reading it thinking you will be able to acqure stories you will later retell as if you were me and actually living in Japan. It is just my thoughts on stuff. To essay in it's purest sense: a mind at work.

An Essay on Wrist Watches
People that wear their wrist watches the wrong way really annoy me. Wrist watches are to be worn with the dial of the watch perpendicular to the wrist and parallel to the back of the hand. A wrist watch is never to be worn dial parallel to the palm (i.e. facing in towards the body). Anyone voluntarily wearing a wrist watch like this is psychotic. I say voluntarily because sometimes your watch slips, I know that. It is okay if this is accidental. It is an understandable mistake. We are all human. Yet, there are also some that are so lackadaisical about the whole thing that they see their watch is out of configuration and do nothing to fix the problem, NOTHING. More shocking still, there are some among us that willingly wear their wrist watches improperly. I say to both these groups, enough is enough. It is time to stop this madness.

It is clear that people that wear their watch in palm parallel configuration are clearly insane. All they have to do is observe another person who shares their same watch orientation preferences. If you observe one of these wrong watchers trying to figure out the time, you are struck by how stupid they look. Note the way they have to look at the inside of their hand, like there are answers written on it, and how they move their wrist in an odd insect like way. The individuals look unhinged. If you are a wrong watch configuration wearing, I beg you look at your fellow mutants. They look really dumb, and you will know they look dumb, no one is so far gone that they don’t realize how stupid these people look when they are trying to see what time it is. If you are unable to then mentally picture yourself looking at your inverted watch and looking equally, if not more, stupid, you are obviously an ego maniac. If you for a single instant believe that, knowing that everyone else looks stupid when they wear a watch this way, but YOU can somehow pull it off, you are psychotic. Get help before it is too late.

These adversaries of the chronograph are also obviously antisocial. It is easy to sneak a peak at a watch when it faces properly - out towards the world. But if the watch faces in, the current time is your secret alone. No one is a master of time to that level. No one human being deserves to know the mysteries of the time. If you think that you alone should have the right to know what time it is and not share this knowledge with the world; you are an egoist of the highest order. I spurn you and your selfish hedonistic lifestyle. I can only conclude you will die friendless and un-mourned. Even if you did have friends they would not come to the funeral because they could never find when your funeral was because of your obsessive hording of temporal knowledge. You and your watch wearing ways disgust me.

The only solution is that these misguided watch wearers be rounded up and have their hands cut off and then surgically reattached rotated 180 degrees about the wrist. That way these miscreants would be able to look at their palms while observing the time AND, more importantly, their watches would be in the proper configuration. So either get use to the idea of having your hands on backwards or wear your watches properly. I am serious, wear them like a human being.

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