Congratulations to President Bush, no longer can I place quotation marks around the term “president.” Congratulations W for winning your first presidential election! Though hardly a mandate, it must taste good, you are batting 50-50 now!
Congratulations to everyone that voted for Bush. If you are in the military, may Bush continue to cut your benefits and send you into battle under equipped. If you are of drafting age, may you enjoy your all expense paid Iraq vacation! If you are elderly, may you enjoy your benefits being cut away. If you are middle age, enjoy watching your kids get shipped off to a battle that can’t be won, and sit comfortably knowing we threw away a surplus and are racking up debt by the minute! If you are someone who might get sick, enjoy not having health care. To all those that voted for Bush, congratulations on being swayed by fear lies and hubris, and enjoy these next 4 years!
Congratulations John Kerry for giving up when you had a chance. I am proud that you proclaimed “Every Vote Will Count!” and then when it came time to make good on the promise, you gave up. Thanks, for proving you were, in fact, the spineless wimp that the Bush Campaign painted you as. Way to fight for my vote! Congratulations for vindicating me and proving that you would have been exactly the useless President I expected you to be!
Congratulations to the Kerry Campaign for failing to energize the Democrat base. Congratulations for making the decision to court that middle class white male demographic that you want so very very much. Congratulations for proving again that middle class white guys don’t vote democrat no matter how much you suck up to them, and now, thanks to your brilliance, it would seem women no longer vote democrat, nor do rural votes, nor that many minorities. Congratulations for abandoning your base, you have helped assure Republican victories for years to come.
Congratulations to Ralph Nader for having no effect on this election. Who will Democrats blame now?
Congratulations to Tom Daschle for being voted out. That is one less Republican hiding under the Democrat banner to throw out. We traded one Republican for another, but at least the new one calls himself a Republican.
Congratulations to Ken Blackwell, for reasons too numerous to express in civil words. But can perhaps be approximated like this: congratulations on being a Kleenex of Liberty with all the civil responsibility and decency of an outhouse.
Congratulations to Ohio, my fair state. Congratulations for alienating me in ways both subtle and extreme. Congratulations for calling the election prior to my vote being counted, it makes me feel like a treasured citizen in our fair democracy.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton’s staff for criticizing John Edwards for demanding that my absentee vote be counted. I am glad that the Democrats are united against Bush and taking a strong stance on civil liberties. I thoroughly congratulate your staff for proving that it cares more about political posturing for 2008 than having my vote counted in 2004. By not fighting for, perhaps my most essential, Constitutional right I say, congratulations for guaranteeing I will never vote for you, ever.
And finally, congratulations to the U.S. of A.! Congratulations on heading down that dark path that has been carefully tended by Republican and Democrat alike. Congratulations on electing, for the first time, President Bush. We look like idiots on the world stage. And my most sincere congratulations for those that simply don’t care that we do, for you are braver than I. Congratulations America, remember Eric Idol’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’ song, “Life is just a show, keep ‘em laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on you.” Congratulations on dutifully earning a macabre laugh from me.