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Finding Silence and Tranquillity

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Previous Entry Finding Silence and Tranquillity Jul. 26th, 2008 @ 11:58 pm Next Entry
I'm really disappointing and extremely blue right now.

One of my oldest friends from middle school is moving to California and is embarking on what amounts to THE great American road trip. Driving across the country is something that I really want to do (despite the fact that I don't care much for driving). Jeff is making his trek with Mike another of my oldest friends I've known since way back in my State Street Middle School days. They are being accompanied by Jason, a really cool guy Jeff met in college and I met when they stayed with me in Japan. It is going to be a really amazing trip and they invited me to go along.

I'm not going because I am stuck in limbo from my schools. I really need a job and all the schools that are interested in me have me in a ridiculous holding pattern of some kind. Where they may literally want to interview me, offer me the job, etc. at any moment. So rather than getting in a car with two of my oldest friends tomorrow, I'm staying put. I really hate this. Right now I'm really down on the whole "responsibility" thing. Coming back from Japan was supposed to free me up for this kind of expansive friend stuff, but instead I feel more locked in than ever. I feel I was freer in Japan holding down a full time job than I am in the States jobless.

A few lines of Khalil Gibran's poem "On Pain" seem to run through my head right now, "[Pain] is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. / Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity"

I'm getting tired of drinking.

On Pain

Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided
by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter
has moistened with His own sacred tears.

-- Khalil Gibran
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Date:July 28th, 2008 01:23 am (UTC)
Since unemployment started, I have never been so busy in my life. Every week is a new agonizing opportunity, that you will put your life on hold for, but will probably end in nothing anyway. Its that slim possibility that holds you as an adult and forces you say "no" to everything fun. And it makes you feel like a fool chasing shadows of employment dreams when real dreams fall in your lap. Its heart breaking to play the adult. I longed for a full time job with days off instead of the constant search for employment. I longed for the freedom of a regular schedule that will leave me bored. To be so relaxed and comfortable that I could be bored! recently I decided to stop playing the adult. It was killing me, I felt like sheep trying to walk on its hind legs. So I gave in, and i've been so ashamed to admit it. I gave up my hunt for science. I took a job as an ALT. I would have killed for one a year ago, but now it feels like no more than a bandage. But with this job I can put off being an adult for another year. I'm ashamed, my friends are thrilled, and I'm going on a train ride through Shikoku to celebrate my regained adolescence. but it doesn't feel right, I think I've forgotten who I use to be.
So my advice is DON'T Give up! Keep Trying. Play the adult as long as you can stand it. And get that job of your dreams. That old adage about shooting for the starts and landing of the moon is crap. that moon just doesn't shine as pretty. So put all you effort into your space program and make it work, and bring home a star! even if you have to put some other things off for a short time. Besides when I come back to the states w/ my tail between my legs, and crappy moon rocks in my hand I'll drive across the states w/ you.
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Date:August 1st, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that. The Great American Road Trip is something I'd also like to do (though preferably in a hybrid Fit!). I really intend on doing some traveling in the States when I return home, so if you haven't gone by then, maybe we can go together.

Thanks for the Obama stuff. It was a very unexpected and surprising gift!
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